zen circus: June 2011

I went on a golf trip a couple of weeks ago, a yearly thing I do with 19 guys I know. Yes, it's odd to be "one of the guys" with a group of 20 guys when one of the "guys" is half a girl. Throughout the weekend, seeing the guys be guys, I'm constantly reminded that I am not, will never be, cannot even pretend to be, a guy, let alone an alpha male.

Oh, I try to fit in, and I do, these are all friends of mine, but deep inside, I know I'm not really one of them, "one of the guys".

So when I got home on Sunday, I showered, it was late, and slipped on feminine clothing for the first time in several days, it was quite a relief to just exhale, feel the fake masculinity wash away, and be Sara.

Emily was drinking a glass of wine, sitting in a chair across from me, and we were talking about the trip, nothing but innocence. Until she asked me questions about my roommate.

"Who'd your room with?"

"Some guy from St. Louis, Rob, you've never met him."

"Was he cute?"

I really, really, really didn't mean to blush. I'm serious. I didn't mean to. "Emily," I choked, my face burning with the blush.

Of course, she saw it right away. "Sara, you're blushing."

"I am not," I denied.

"You are! Come on, he was cute, wasn't he?"

"I don't know," I stalled, doing nothing for my face, unfortunately.

"Sara, you're practically a girl for crying out loud, it's okay to admit that you think a guy is cute."

"Em!"

She laughed. "Just answer, I'll leave it alone," she promised, a promise I should not have believed.

"Fine, he was cute, okay, is that what you want to hear?"

"Just whether he was or not, I don't know why you have to get all embarrassed about it or why you're blushing. There's nothing wrong with admitting a guy is cute."

We talked for another minute then I got up to get her another glass of wine, one for me.

"Wait a second," she said taking the glass of wine. "It just dawned on me. Oh, Sara! You were blushing because you saw him naked, didn't you?"

What was I going to do, deny her boring into the heart of the matter so quickly, so easily, so smartly. So I didn't deny it. I didn't admit it, either, but I didn't deny it.

And my lack of denial propelled her off her chair onto the couch next to me. "Sara," she touched the smooth skin of my leg, "come on, you can tell me, is that why you were blushing? You thought he was cute and you saw him naked, didn't you?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"Oh, Sara," she was practically beaming with happiness. "Do tell, do tell!"

"There's nothing really to tell, Emily," I shifted uncomfortably on the couch. The way I was sitting, the panties I was wearing, acted mostly as a gaff, trapping and tucking me so at least there was nothing obvious to betray my confused feelings.

"Just a glance then, that's all?"

I bit my lip.

"Longer than a glance? Come on Sara, your roommate, who you admit is cute, is fucking naked for more than a glance and you're holding back on me! How long, please, come on. Thirty seconds?"

"I don't know, longer, I guess."

"Longer, fuck, what the hell was going on," she playfully flicked at me.

"It was before dinner, I took a nap and when I woke up, I don't know, he was standing between the beds watching something on television, golf I think."

"He thought you were asleep?"

"Yes."

"He was between the beds?"

"Yes, why?"

"You sleep on the left side of the bed, so he was like what, right there?"

"A couple of feet."

"You opened your eyes and saw him naked!"

"Yes."

"Could you see his," she started to ask and my face reddened immediately. "You could, fuck, Sara, you woke up and found a guy's cock practically in your face!"

"It wasn't quite like that, Em."

"No? Which part wasn't quite like that? You waking up, the guy, or his cock in your face?"

She leaned over and kissed me, deeply, passionately. "Tall or short, your roommate?"

"Tall."

"Like how tall?"

"I don't know. 6'3" maybe."

"And cute? Like athletic cute?"

I bit my lip yet again, good enough to say yes.

"You know I'm going to ask, don't you?"

I nodded, knowing she was going to ask.

"He was big, wasn't he?"

I nodded again, looked down, away from her observant eyes.

"Erect or soft?"

"Soft."

"Big, big?"

I nodded yet again.

"Fuck, Sara, you woke up to some hot, not cute, HOT man's cock a foot from your fucking face!"

"Yes," I whispered, "yes," I finally looked at her.

"Did you pretend you were still asleep?" She set her wine glass down, her fingers were now dancing over her thighs, her fingernails tracing lines in her bare skin.

Jesus, the woman was relentless. And at any time I could have lied, but what was the use? She knew me too well, she would have know instantly. Instead of lying, I remained silent.

"How long was he standing there," she asked sliding her hands up her legs, under her skirt, closer and closer to touching herself.

"I don't know."

"How long, Sara?"

"I don't know...five minutes, maybe six."

"Ohhhh," Emily gasped, touching herself. "Five minutes. Fuck, you stared at his cock for five minutes!"

"It was right there, what was I supposed to do," I asked as her fingers danced over her panties.

"Cough. Grunt. Role over. That's what a man would have done, Sara, that's what any of the guys on your little trip would have done." Her fingers were now well under her panties, rubbing. "Did your little clitty swell, my pretty sissy? Were you getting excited staring his cock?"

She was full out masturbating now, even if I wanted to lie, there was no way I could watching what she was doing. "Em."

"Did you get excited?"

"Yes, fine, yes," I almost yelled which only made her thrust her fingers deep inside her.

"You wanted to touch him, didn't you?"

"Yes, fuck, yes."

"To suck him?"

"Yes," I answered as she stared at me, cumming. I loved when she did that, when she would cum locking eyes with me, mouth half open.

"Do you know how hot that makes me?"

"Em," I started towards her.

"No," she hissed. "I was going to let you fuck me tonight."

I had a quick intake of breath, missing the past tense, continued moving.

"No," she hissed again. "Was, I WAS going to, not now, silly. Get the dildo, I want to see you suck cock like you dreamed about all weekend."

I never fucked her. I sucked, but I never fucked her. I fucked her with it. I licked her. And after she orgasmed for like the tenth time, I licked and sucked the dildo clean

And he was very hot and he had an amazing cock, thicker soft than I've ever been hard.

And I dreamed about sucking him all night long.