Dallas-Confusion

Yes, then there are times I wonder, what the fuck is wrong with me? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????

Why did I leave the office a little early to come home and do my makeup and nails and hair and get dressed in a skirt and blouse? I mean, okay, I'm a sissy, I get that, okay, I came to grips with that long ago.

But what about the other things?

I came home to do this, to sit at home, IN CHASTITY I REMIND YOU, all the while the love of my life, the person I CANNOT IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT is in another city having dinner with some guy, flirting, doing who know what, FUCKING HIM?

I am a sissy and I sit home tonight, alone, while Emily flirts with Todd, flirts, laughs, teases, toys. What will he think? That she wants to fuck him, that's what he will think...and he may be right!!!

And I'm okay with this? Worse, I somehow accept it?

Worse, dammit, it excites me? I swell in this fucking chastity cage because I get excited about just thinking what she is doing?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

You think it is easy?

Seriously, this is what you want?

I don't want it.

Fuck, but a part of me does.

Why, fuck, why?

Deep breathing exercises, deep breathing.

It isn't like she doesn't love you, it isn't like she's going to fuck him.

Well, why did she bring condoms? Lingerie? Why is she going to a guy's apartment for dinner by herself.

And why does she have to know it excites me?

Why, why, WHY?

Tell her, you stupid sissy, tell her.

 No, no, no.

Yes, tell her.

Tell her you are jealous.

No, that is being childish, she is an adult woman, a woman I trust.

Trust her that much, do you?

Little voice--she is going to fuck him!

Bigger voice--she is going to fuck him, you silly sissy.

Little voice--please, please fuck him.

Bigger voice--PLEASE FUCK HIM.

Both voices....nooooooooooooooo.

Dammit, being left behing SUCKS.

Chastity sucks, SUCKS.

And I LOVE her so much and I'll say nothing. Fuck. Nothing. Fuck.

And I'll imagine it and hope for it and fantasize about it and, yes, need it.

I NEED IT.

Fuck.

She asked me today, "are you okay?"

"Yea, why?"

"Your voice sounds like, I don't know, like you're upset."

"No," I answered, my voice shaking, even cracking.

"You are, Sara."

"Maybe a little, I don't know, I miss you."

"I miss you, too," she answered, almost patronizing.

"Not like I miss you, I can tell."

"It isn't like that, Sara, you know that, we're just so busy and..."

"Todd," I managed to say.

"You want me to stay home, Sara?"

"No," I almost whimpered, so quite I don't know how she heard me. "I just wish, I don't know, it is hard not being able to call you at all during the day."

"I know, love, I know."

"And then you're..."

"I'll stay home, I'll make up some excuse, if you want."

"No," I almost cried, I don't know why, on the verge of tears, no, no, yes, no...this is hard...and I can stop it...she opens the door...and I don't, I won't...I can't...

"I'll call you later, Sara, I love you."

"I love you, too," I moaned, almost begging her, yet, not needing to, not wanting to, nerves shot just the same. Not wanting to.

This is hard, dammit, so hard.